One of the many things I enjoy about warmer weather are picnics. I am a huge fan of old fashioned pig roasts. I find the perfect pig, invite a few close friends over, and we set around the fire telling ghost stories and eating. Now, my pig roasts are unlike any other you have attended. I don’t actually roast pig. Pig is cheap and bad for you. I have a much more sophisticate pallet. I roast young women, sorta like veal. The younger girls are more tender, void of the toxins that plague more seasoned meat, and leaner.
We stalk the perfect “pig” for weeks. Learn her habits, determine if she is pure enough to devour. She has to be special to sacrifice. This year’s piggy is April. She is as smart as she is beautiful. She is a vegan who does not believe in dying her hair or tanning or using botox. It is rare to find a natural beauty in this day and age. But we are patient, and we do our research to find the perfect meal.
Right now she is in my basement getting prepped. Being fed healthy smoothies to plump her up. Having her body washed daily in pineapple juice to make her tastier. People think cannibals are savages, crazed killers, but there are many sound reasons for eating human flesh. It’s quite healthy. The bones can be ground up for many medicinal benefits, including good dental hygiene. Many diseases can be prevented by eating the human brain. It promotes communalism. It helps with population control. One body can feed a family for several months , and provide well balanced nutrition. So cannibalism is cost efficient.
My friends and I are always looking for, um, fresh meat. Although it is fun to hunt your dinner, there is nothing wrong with pointing us in the direction of our next meal. Maybe you would enjoy helping me stalk my next meal or would like to offer yourself up as dinner. There is no higher purpose in life than sacrificing your life for others. When my next meal is served, will you be a guest or the main course?
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