Cannibalism phone sex was not on my agenda this weekend. I went camping with some girlfriends for Labor Day weekend. We did it old school too. Tents and everything. I had this nagging feeling that someone was watching us Friday night. I wrote it off as having seen one too many horror films. We got in the jeep to go four wheeling the next morning when we blew a tire. I got out to see what the problem was to discover an arrow throw the front tire. This was no accident. Arrows started flying through the air at us. We were being hunted. As I tried to get my girls in a group, an arrow went right through Paula. Lilly and I ran screaming but we were caught up in a net suspended us in the trees. There he was underneath us, making yummy noises like we were dinner. We soon realized we were dinner. Paula was too skinny to be a good meal he said, but Lilly and I had just the right amount of meat on our bones to be succulent he said. I thought this was some sort of sick joke or a bad dream. But we ended up in his cabin in the woods being prepped for his dining pleasure. We were hosed down like animals; all jewelry removed; our heads shaved since we were not natural blondes. We were dipped in a vat of melted butter, olive oil and seasonings. Our skin glistened as he made sure to rub his special sauce all over our bodies. We screamed when we saw the industrial size oven and the huge pans. I tried to plead for mercy. He shoved an apple in my mouth to shut me up. A matching one was shoved up my ass. He was humming a tune, when he opened the oven door. Warm air waffled over us as he sat us in the pans and pushed us in the oven. “See you soon for dinner,” was the last thing I heard.
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