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I just found the perfect cannibalism phone sex specimen for us. I knew when I saw her that she fit all of your requirements for fine dining. With her fresh, wholesome looks, plump thighs, perfect rump roast ass, and thighs that would make Colonel Sanders smile, all I could think was Grade A Prime meat.

She would be easy pickings. Her name is Kali. She lives with her violent, drunk daddy. She is so poor and has basically nothing. It would be easy to make her my new friend and gain her trust. Maybe take her to the spa so that our prep work is so much easier. All nice and smooth and hairless. No one would miss her when she disappeared. Her daddy would just think she ran off with some guy. No one would know that she went out to dinner and never came back. Poor Kali.

I have some great new recipe ideas for this Kali. Cajun chef, Justin Wilson, who also had a great sense of humor, intrigues me. He’s dead now but he would’ve loved our style. Listen to this: “Stir the garlic, horseradish, hot pepper sauce, thyme, salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, olive oil, and malt vinegar together in a bowl until thoroughly blended. Pierce the beef roast all over with a meat fork. Douse with the mixture. Place the roast in a large, resealable plastic bag.” Mmmmmm, how perfect does that sound? Maybe even shove a link of andouille sausage in those crevices. We can hear her beg while she marinates. Oh, and it gets better.

After we let her marinate for several hours, while drinking a glass of wine and saying our goodbyes, it’s time for your special magic. We’ll sear her on both sides over high heat. Then reduce the heat and let her slow roast until her internal temperature is 145 degrees. By then, her skin has crisped to a golden brown and the drip pan is overflowing with delicious au juice, enhanced with a shot of your “special sauce.”

Hand me a crispy finger, please. You know it’s my favorite part. I was thinking that we could use the leftover organs to make some boudin or how about some Kali étouffée for later. I know you hate to waste a single morsel.

Thank you for your sacrifice, little Kali. You fought like a champ but our hunger was stronger.